Its A Girls World

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens."

Why is it impossible for most people to just let go? If you are anything like me you like to have a plan. You like to make plans. I carry around a calender that I write down everything in...what I have going on for the next year is listed in my little blue book. It makes me feel like I have control of my future ...when in all actuality, you and I both know that is a false sense of security because no one really has complete control. Sure we tell ourselves this is where I want to be in 5/10 years and once in a while someone might even get lucky and have everything planned out to where it will actually happen, all the pieces might fall into place,but in most cases...it doesn't.

I sit here today...writing to you as a divorced 26 year old who just found out her job (which she absolutely loved) has been eliminated.. Oh crap...now what?? Both of these unfortunate circumstances were definitely not "planned" for and written in my little blue book. I will say this year has had alot of interesting twists and turns. If you would have asked me two years ago where I saw myself in three years it would not be standing here at this crossroad, that's for sure. So what now? Where do I go from here...how do I pick up the pieces... because basically I am starting ALL over again.

Everyone keeps saying..."everything happens for a reason"...don't you just love that??....people only say that to you when you are faced with an unexpected challenge and they are trying to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, everything might happen for a reason but that doesn't mean you have to understand it or much less accept it right away. Usually the pieces of the puzzle do not fit together until much much later and it is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are surrounded by so much fog. Its hard to stay positive when everything around you is changing. Right now, I am at a crossroads....and "there are so many roads, so many detours, so many choices." I am starting over from scratch with every major thing in my life...well at least two major things...love and a job.

Who knows at this point what lies ahead for me. "Maybe I have to let go of who I was to become who I am suppose to be ??"

“Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.”

Do you know how great it would be if there was a "play book" to guide you through all of life's intimate situations. Something that was easy to read and gave you step by step instructions on how to handle different circumstances. If you followed them to a tee then you would already know what the outcome would be. You wouldn't have to worry about saying the wrong things and looking like a complete idiot....in front of your boss, your friends or the person you have been crushing on for the last few months.

I don't know about you....but I could use a book. Yesterday, I was told that I seem like an aggressive person, this comment definitely threw me for a loop and I have been thinking about it ever since....how often do I really go for what I want? I am constantly coming out of situations thinking..."I should have done this"....or "it was the perfect opportunity to bring that up".... but then the moment comes and goes...I analyze it to much and I miss my chance. I realize lately my missed opportunities are because I have a fear of intimacy - and by intimacy, I mean the feeling of closeness, familiarity, and understanding ... when there are no boundaries, no walls. You say everything that you mean...everything that is on your mind. (Scary huh)

How many times have I bit my tongue for fear of stepping on someone else's toes? How many times have I held back my opinion because I was afraid that others would judge me? And my personal favorite... how many times have I held in my true feelings for someone because I wasn't sure how they would react and I wasn't sure of what would happen afterwards? How do you know when you have crossed the line and said to much? I don't know about you but I constantly struggle with this. In the last week I have been in a few situations that were "missed" opportunities...I could have easily said something or asked a question but instead I ran from the situation and avoided it like the plague because I was afraid. I find myself trying to avoid any and all awkwardness and stick with the comfortable conversations. Allowing yourself to open up to other people is hard...putting everything out there on the line in any situation is difficult becuse intimacy is both desired, and feared. It is difficult to live with, and impossible to live without.

"I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself." - Meredith Grey