Its A Girls World

Here is the story of my life – girl falls for guy… who doesn’t fall for her. The first step to overcoming a problem is to admit that you have one, right? Well, (deep breath) I have a problem. I think I intentionally fall for the guys that I know can not like me the way I want them to. Usually, it is the guy who has just ended a relationship so they aren’t looking for another one any time soon, the guy who has tons of baggage and can’t fully commit, or my favorite of the three, the guy that is already in a relationship.

What do I have to worry about if I know upfront that there will be zero awkwardness and no let downs – no anticipating being asked out on a date, waiting for a phone call, or analyzing every little detail of our two minute conversation? I can just have a simple “crush” and like Mr. Hottie from a distance without worrying about whether or not he likes me. Sounds easy and like a great plan for someone who has been through quite a lot when it comes to the “relationship” department. I was trying to figure out why this seemed to be reoccurring pattern lately and yesterday, (with the help of my best friend) we figured out exactly what my problem is…. it is what we like to call “self preservation. “If you look it up in the dictionary it means, “The protection of oneself from destruction or harm.” I had a friend that told me you always had to look out for “Number one” (number one, of course, being yourself) and this is exactly what I am doing…trying to avoid disappointment and heartache. What better way to avoid it than if you are dodging being in a relationship all together…

So how am I doing….sound convincing?? Ok so lets be honest for a minute with myself and you... this brilliant “plan” of mine, sucks. Doesn’t everyone want to find that person who is the love of their life? Life would be boring without the butterflies, the sweaty palms and the first kiss. I would like to believe that every person can have the kind of love that is in the movies and in fairytales. Why should we settle for anything less? Sometimes you have to take the plunge. It is much easier said than done….this I know from experience. It is easier to build up a wall and put up boundaries….to keep people at an arms length away and yes, even like the guys that are “unattainable”. I might think I am saving my heart from being broken and self preservation might sound like a great idea but in the end what if I am missing out on something wonderful.

“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.” – Greys Anatomy

I went home to NC for my birthday this past weekend. Home Sweet Home. I realized while I was there that while I do miss my family and friends …there are some things I don’t miss. Friday I left the warm breezy town that I currently live in, drove four hours and when I stepped out of the car you would’ve thought I had flown across the ocean to Antarctica. I am a big baby when it comes to cold weather and I know it wasn’t like 30 below or anything but when you are use to 70 and 80 degree weather and then you are jolted into 50 degree weather it is not fun…especially when you forget to check the weather channel so the only clothes you pack are short sleeve shirts and t-shirts. Opps!



Friday was spent at my grandparents. The entire family came over for dinner… you know it’s always a special occasion when I come into town ;) We had meatloaf, cream corn, biscuits, macaroni and cheese, cabbage casserole, sweet potato casserole, green beans, banana pudding and pecan pie. Obviously I miss the home cooked meals but I don’t miss the feeling of having to unbutton my pants after I finish eating. I think I gained an extra ten pounds this weekend.



Friday night, my friend L and I decided to meet up with one of my old friends from college and go out to a local bar. We did the same routine that we always do, around 8:30 we started getting all dressed up for a night on the town. We met up at my friend’s apartment and from the moment we walked in I knew it was going to be an interesting night. When we got there the guys had obviously been drinking for a while so I knew immediately it was going to be action packed. I also glanced up on the mantle in the living room and just so happen to notice something that made my stomach flip flop. There on the top shelf was a Hi-tom baseball bobble head. The Hi-Toms is a local baseball team that is made up of different college students from all over. If you were to ever go to a game you would think you were watching the Yankees play or that you were getting ready to watch Mickey Mantle come up to bat….there are some die hard fans…and this guy was obviously one of them. I didn’t even have to take the doll off the shelf to recognize the profile…It was the bobble head of my ex-husband. I decided to make a big deal about it just to make him feel extremely uncomfortable…which was only done for my own benefit. It was funny to watch him squirm…he kept apologizing and even offered to take it down and get rid of it. Even though that would have been a nice gesture there was no need for a guy I just met to get rid of part of his wonderful Hi-toms collection. (Who has a Hi-Tom collection anyway??)



We finally left his apartment and headed up to "Safari" one of the local karaoke hangouts. When we walked in, I immediately almost passed out from the thick cloud of smoke that filled the room. (The non smoking law that was recently passed in my town has spoiled me.) and I also noticed all the dead animals that were plastered up on the wall.





L and I did a quick sweep of the room and only one thing stood out to me…I don’t think I have ever seen more mullets in one room at the same time. Mullets everywhere!! We got a seat at the bar (beside a guy with a mullet…go figure) and I could feel every ones eyes burning right through me. L noticed it as well… " I don’t think we fit in here." I am not sure what made us stand out…it could’ve been the way we were dressed or maybe the crowd we showed up with. (I’ll explain in a minute). I haven’t lived at home for 5 years and I guess I have forgotten the dress code of T-ville. L and I were both in dressy shirts, jeans and heels while most of the girls there were wearing holey jeans, tennis shoes and even baseball hats. The room was filled with a broad age range – anywhere from 18 to yes some older ladies that had to be in their 80s…drinking beer smoking a cigarette at one of the booths in the back. (That could’ve been me in 60 years)



As we are sitting at the bar playing lets see how many mullets we can find, I start to take notice of the guys that we were hanging out with and the rumbling that is going on in the far corner with some other "locals." The next thing I know fists are flying...they were so drunk they missed each other by a mile...but I was just waiting for them to start rolling around the disgusting floor. L and I just watched from a distance as some of the other girls started getting involved. Let me just say there is no way in hell I would ever take the chance of some guy hitting me square in the eye or nose...so we just watched ....and laughed. Some guy with no teeth was yelling about taking the fight outside ...another with "Bubba teeth" was swinging his arms around in the air...the guys I was with , I'm embarrassed to say, were starting to roll up there sleeves (I guess in a mans world this is some threat... basically like saying "bring it on") Finally, the local deputy (short, over weight, bald man) came to the rescue and broke up the fight. I was ready to get out of there by that time and so was my friend. I DO NOT miss the drunken redneck fights that's for sure!! I love going back to visit don't get me wrong... I can not deny my roots and where I grew up.....its just funny how much difference a four hour drive can bring.

~~I also went out with a bunch of my girlfriends here in town on Thursday night. I had a blast...I am attaching some pictures of Thursday night as well for your enjoyment. :) It was a much calmer night...no fights, no dead animals, no smoke....its nice to be "home"

Tomorrow and this weekend I will be celebrating my 26 years with my family and friends....all 26 years, the good, the bad and the stupid. Last year on my 25th birthday I had a small mental breakdown....this year I am determined it will be better. It wasn’t that I was turning 25 and complaining about my age, it was the fact that I could remember when I was in high school and my teachers were 25. Back then 25 seemed forever away from 17 and now, here I am, with 26 right around the corner. Its scary how time flies....but in my 25 years on this planet there are a few good "life lessons" I have learned. I thought I would share some of my wisdom with you…(they do say you get smarter with age, right?)

#1. Never give a complete stranger the keys to your car! I went to the salon a while back to get my hair cut and colored…by the time she was finished making me look half way decent I noticed it was pouring rain outside. I was standing at the door looking all pitiful because I did not want to run out in the rain, when an older man asked me if I wanted him to pull my car around. No…this wasn’t the valet service but I, being in a DUH moment, said "oh that is soo sweet of you", gave him my keys and pointed to the red Honda parked in the back of the parking lot. I watched him run out to get in my car and then watched him pull out of the parking lot onto the main road. In that instant my stomach dropped to my knees. How could I be so stupid? What was I going to tell the police when they filed a report…"well Officer, I pretty much handed over the keys to my car." I felt like the BIGGEST idiot. Thank goodness he pulled back in the other entrance and dropped off my car. He said he did that to avoid a big pot hole that was in the parking lot but I seriously think he did it just to see the look of sheer panic on my face.

#2. Think twice before you buy something ...just because it looks good on the model. I wanted something new to wear to a Christmas event last year...so I started looking through the Victoria Secrets clothing section of the magazine. I came across the cutest red sweater that I could wear with jeans or black pants. I decided to make the 68$ purchase.... I mean it looked good on Gisele so why not? Ohhhh nooooo....I was so excited the day I got the package in the mail, I ripped open the box and to my horror pulled out the UGLIEST red sweater I have ever seen in my entire life. I thought it was some kind of joke. I could wear it to a Christmas party...but only if the theme was Ugly Christmas Sweaters. It was sooo hideous I didnt even put it out with my clothes at the recent yard sale. I was too embarassed....Im even to embarassed to post a pitcure of the sweater on here. It is bad...real bad.

#3. Always evaluate the situation before trying to flirt with a man in uniform. Ha...let me explain... My girlfriends and I went out on a Saturday for a girls night out. It was the usual...bar hopping and dancing. At 2:00 when the bars closed we piled in my car and headed back to "the ville." As we were driving downtown ... we came up to a stoplight right beside the firestation. Well....look what we have here...we are stopped right infront of a bunch of firefighters. I start honking the horn and my friends are waving and trying to talk to them out of the window and sure enough one of them starts walking towards us. We, are of course thinking he is coming to talk to us , flirt with us a little, maybe invite us to come take a tour of the firestation (yes this has happened before.) He walked around to my side of the car...I was beaming ear to ear as I rolled down my window. I boldly said hello while trying to give him my sexiest eye flutter...he then proceeded to tell me... "Mam, you are riding around with your lights off and if you dont turn them on the police officer sitting right around the corner is going to give you a ticket." I was speechless...my face was the color of the fire truck, Im sure. Then he just walked away. Opps!!!


Wisdom comes with age... I would like to think this is THE positive to growing older (I know for sure the patch of gray hair forming around my forehead is not a perk.) So, if you are out tomorrow have a few drinks in honor of my birthday.... take my words of advice and don't do anything I WOULD do because sometimes I feel like I am still waiting for my 26 years of wisdom to arrive.

“Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up…”~ Greys Anatomy

Yesterday, I realized I had been bottling up some emotions that I secretly hoped would go away on there own. I guess I thought if I didn’t acknowledge these feelings, or talk about them and if I pretended to forget they would no longer haunt me. I was so wrong! Over the last few months I have been trying to hide what I had been feeling….something I now realize isn’t the smartest thing to do. Let me just say to all of you that are reading this who also bottle up all of your feelings …DON’T DO IT! “Reality can sometimes have way of sneaking up on you and biting you in the ass.” You eventually become a walking time bomb…waiting to explode at any minute. Trust me…it happens and when it does you better hope someone is around to help you pick up the pieces (my someone was my best friend – thanks honey)
My mistake happened when I decided to go out last night…after I had spent the majority of the day upset. I definitely do not recommend drinking any type of alcohol during this time…this will usually become the spark that starts the countdown…. Psycho Mental Breakdown… starting in T-minus 4 vodka cranberries. I knew this morning when I received a couple of text messages from friends asking me how I was doing and someone even sang a song to me on my voicemail in hopes to cheer me up, that what was in my head, a not so noticeable sniffle had actually turned into a full blown, snotty nose, mascara running, crazy crying outburst… not to mention was witnessed by pretty much everyone. Believe it or not today I actually feel much better…it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my chest …I am taking a lot of deep breaths and the pain seems to be less.

“Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more” ~ Greys Anatomy

Oh and PS… I never want to even smell vodka again….EVER!

I am smiling right now…a HUGE smile. I just love it when an ex or someone you dated that blew you off tries to weasel their way back in. Do you know how good that feels? Their name and number suddenly appears on your phone and you find yourself wanting to pick up and answer - Thanks but no thanks…CLICK…. before even giving them a second to say hello!! (I know sometimes I can be so harsh) It’s the same kind of rush you get when you are out with your girlfriends, looking pretty cute in a brand new outfit that accentuates all the right areas and you happen to run into "the ex", who by the way is looking NOT so cute, and all of his friends that are with him are obviously thinking he was stupid to ever let you get away. Yep…this is instant gratification and boy does it feel good! My best friend told me once "Lee, they always come back around. Sometimes it takes a week, sometimes a couple of months or even years but they always come back." Ok maybe not always but some of the time they do.

Usually, there is a "look"…it is almost as if they are looking at you, trying to figure out exactly what happened that caused you not to be together. I guess guys have a good way of putting up a mental block. It’s like they were permanently drunk and blacked out the weeks, months, possibly years you were together so they conveniently can’t remember a thing. They are honestly curious as to why the relationship ended. Nope no way, this act does not fool me, the way I see it… he is secretly hoping he can look in your eyes and have this magical power to make you forget everything bad that happened in the relationship. Like the times he dissed you to watch the game, forgot to return your call, or hit on your best friend....all of these memories will be forever erased in your mind if only you gaze into his eyes. HA! Guys, we are women, do you honestly think we forget? That statement Forgive and Forget…sounds all nice, doesnt it?What a joke…a woman usually doesn’t forgive and even if by some slim chance she does… she NEVER forgets.

I can only think of two times that I actually went back out with someone a second time. Guess what? I didnt work! I can’t speak for everyone but I have realized if it didn’t work out the first time there is obviously a reason why…and normally it won’t work out the second (for some of you third, fourth or fifth) time either. I have come up with an easy solution to make sure I don’t fall into the traps of dating someone again and again, continuing to think that things will be different. Which by the way is very easy to do especially if you loved the person. I will share my secret with you - I bring out that trusty old journal that I kept while we were together – the first 3 pages dedicated to the happy times and the sweet things you did for me in the beginning – and here’s a shocker, 20 pages dedicated to you being an asshole. Flip towards the end and you will find my favorite part in the journal - 100 things I dislike about you! Let me remind you this was written in my state of rampage so I showed no mercy. Every little thing that you did or said to piss me off was written down in this wonderful book. Ahhh…the joys of writing ...

Why October is my favorite month!

“Bittersweet October. The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter. “ ~Carol Bishop Hipps

Have you ever noticed that when the 1st of October rolls around you can walk outside in the mornings and the air has a completely different smell? The air is crisp and clean and there always seems to be the same scent every year at this time. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is…so I just call it the “fall smell.” I’m also a fan of all the different colors – the leaves when they are changing to red, yellow and orange. I love the city that I live in but my one complaint is that I wish the seasons were more distinct. Sometimes the scenery doesn’t seem to change…except in the winter. The leaves go from green to brown and fall off the trees without transition; back in NC…the trees are beautiful this time of year.

The Festivities! Fall festivals, the fair, oyster roasts…do I need to keep going? October is a great month to PARTY! It’s not just because my birthday is October 16th either, although that is a plus. I was an unexpected gift yet my parents couldn’t have timed it any better. My birthday is usually a big deal….at least I like to think it is. My friends and I don’t just celebrate the day you were born …we usually celebrate the entire week and sometimes the entire month. It gives us an excuse to go out and have a good time – like we need one. I have always had big birthday parties. My parents would let me go all out (not MTV Sweet 16 I’m a spoiled brat all out…just normal family all out) I would have Capture the Flag parties ,sleepovers with 8 to 10 of my girlfriends, chicken stews, and my most memorable birthday – my Sweet 16 costume party. Those were fun times! Now that I am older I celebrate in different ways – usually it’s out to dinner and a bar with my closest girlfriends. I’m not sure if I will ever get to the age where I do not want to celebrate.

Football and Tailgating! There’s something about football season that puts a smile on my face. I know this sounds strange but I feel like football brings people together – even if you aren’t pulling for the same team – it’s a conversation piece. It allows you to connect with other people, sometimes people you would normally have nothing in common with. “Individual commitment to a group effort -- that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.” - Vince Lombardi - named “Football Coach of the Century” by ESPN.
“All the girls down here love football!” One of my friends just moved here from Michigan and she is amazed at how many girls in the south watch football. I never really thought anything about it. Ever since I can remember, Sundays at my grandparents have always been spent around the TV watching the games. There is even a home video of me at 11 or 12 years old running around in my Dallas Cowboy shirt annoying my Uncle ,who unfortunately, is a Redskin fan. (God bless his heart) On a Saturday or Sunday afternoon give me some good food, a TV and a list of the kickoff times and I am happy as a lark.

Halloween and Haunted Houses. “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” ~ Lindsay Lohan, Mean girls. Ha…this is my favorite Halloween quote – and so I had to put it in here. I love Halloween – every year I look forward to picking out the costume I will wear for my friend’s huge Halloween party. I also enjoy getting a group of people together to go on Ghosts Tours or Haunted trails. This was a tradition in High school – a huge group of us (I’m talking 30- 50 people) would get together on a Saturday night and go to Haunted Trails in the area. I would spend 15$ to walk through a haunted trail that would last 10 minutes and when it was over I couldn’t tell you one thing that happened during that 10 minutes. I would walk the entire trail or house with my eyes closed and my head buried into the person’s back that was walking in front of me. I wouldn’t see a thing…yet I would be terrified. The thrill of getting scared is what makes it fun! Oh and when do you reach the age that you are to old to go trick-or-treating? I have often wondered this but really don’t want to ask anyone because I am afraid they will tell me I am too old.

"The harvest moon hangs round and high
it dodges clouds high in the sky,
the stars wink down their love and mirth
The Autumn season is giving birth.
Oh, it must be October
The leaves of red bright gold and brown,
To Mother Earth come tumbling down,
The breezy nights the ghostly sights,
The eerie spooky far off sounds
Are signs that it's October.
The pumpkins yellow, big and round
are carried by costumed clumsy clowns
it’s Halloween - let's celebrate."- Pearl N. Sorrels, It must be October

Yeah for my favorite month!!!!